Wednesday, April 1, 2015

A Modest Proposal

You've probably heard about the deliberate crashing of a Germanwings airbus by the co-pilot, for reasons we'll probably never fully understand. Since Lubitz was white and did not show any signs of being Muslim, the most likely conclusion seems to be dramatic, horrifying suicide. You can pick the man's life apart for reasons that would spur him to do something so cold. Depression, untreated medical disorders, debt, lack of blowjobs, they're all equally compelling reasons to explain the tragedy.

Yeah, that last one caught my eye too.

Now, obviously no one else was responsible for Lubritch's [sic] actions if it indeed was Omega rage at work. He alone bears the blame. But it is somewhat haunting to think about how many lives might be saved each year if the sluts of the world were just a little less picky and a little more equitable in their distribution of blowjobs.
As a 28 year-old airline pilot, Lubritch [sic]would likely have been married in a more traditionally structured society. It's not impossible that the Germanwings deaths represent more of the indirect costs of feminism.

This may seem like a pretty deluded attempt to link a horrific tragedy to the author's pet cause, but it merits consideration. After all, when an argument pops up this consistently after every tragedy that shakes the nation or threatens our future, and it does, the intellectually honest thing to do is ignore our emotional kneejerk reactions and examine the hypothesis as it stands.

The argument is pretty simple: when deprived of partnered sexual release (no homo) certain types of men become murderous and/or inclined to harmful activity. This seems to happen with enough regularity to be a clear trend.

The proposed solution is, of course, for the women of the world to take shifts providing free blowjobs to violent men with little impulse control. And that might surely work. There's more women than men in the world, and the percentage of men who are apt to fly into a murderous rage if the blowjob quota goes unmet seems fairly small indeed. It can't be much more than, say, 40-60% of the male population of any given nation. If we all take two one-hour shifts a week in the blowbox, by my estimation, we can end all male-perpetuated violence by Q2 2016. Of course this system is ripe for abuse, so we'll probably have to institute some sort of omega blowjob punch card issued by either government or (mental) health professionals. Is it the taxpayers responsibility to pay for these government-funded blowjobs if it dramatically reduces male-perpetuated violence? Will preemptive slutting become a viable career for you, your daughter, your sister? Should these brave women slut on a voluntary basis or can they be compelled by other means? Pertinent questions all.

But let me propose an alternative, slightly more radical but less labor-intensive solution: we should stop giving jobs to men.

Not all jobs, clearly. That would be discriminatory and we're all equalists these days, spurned solely by rational argument. I propose that for our collective safety, we stop giving men jobs with any sort of responsibility or lack of direct oversight by a dependable female superior. Many, many men suffer from a lack of blowjobs (no homo) and it's exceedingly difficult to tell which ones are of the "omega" type, the type statistically most prone to go on a murderous rampage. The tell-tale fedora is not allowed in most workplaces, making us completely unable to distinguish between the common and harmless feeble-minded man and the murderous one.

Would you go to a workplace with this invisible assassin? Would you let you children go?

Men are too emotional to hold jobs with any level of responsibility or give them access to humans in a social setting. While women have a dependable hormonal cycle they have been taught to manage and control since early puberty, men seem to fluctuate wildly between various undesirable and even aggressive moods that squash productivity at the drop of a trilby hat. Simple things like "hearing the word no" and "lack of sexual release" can agitate the soft male brain and instill the irresistible hormone-driven impulse to kill.

We all know that by their own admission men are emotional creatures, biologically unfit to take on domestic responsibility, conduct rational discourse or even display emotional maturity in the face of rejection. Should we let possible omega men interact with our female managers? Our female doctors? Our female police officers? Are their lives so disposable? How long before a hormone-addled male office worker takes out his irrational, emotional rage on a female CEO? It's a prospect to horrifying to consider.

Women have been on course to out-earn men for quite some time now, so clearly we are not entirely dependent on their paycheck. While the woman of a household will pursue careers suited for her higher level of education and dependable emotional cycle, the man can make himself useful with simpler tasks that will not agitate his hormones and have little to no chance of activating his biologically ingrained impulse to kill. I suggest jobs that are mildly challenging to the easily distracted male mind without arousing his violent tendencies, such as secretarial and janitorial work. The man's greater physical abilities will give him great prospects in entertainment and menial labor. The relatively low wages of these professions will be more than offset by the greater earning capacity of the woman of the house, now that jobs more suited to her have opened up. The male, in turn, will enjoy the benefit of a peaceful existence free of murderous impulse.

Because let us not forget the true victims of these assorted tragedies, crimes and outbursts. Too long we have forced men to go through life in a constant state of agitation, frustration and depression. It would be a mercy to allow them enough work to support their famously brittle ego and find some satisfaction outside the house while still keeping ourselves safe from their biological urge to kill. Would that we could simply contain their hysteria with reason and compassion, but history has shown again and again that it is simply not within their emotional and intellectual means to be trusted as free agents in civilized society.

For all of the reasons above, I implore you, mothers, wives, employers, caretakers, to please discourage the males in your care from venturing too far outside their limited comfort zone. Because their next emotional hormonal fit may cost lives.

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