Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Codebabes Killed John Belushi

I'm not surprised, the internet. But I am inexplicably disappointed.

In a world where access to women's bodies is already treated as a reward for efforts made by heterosexual cis men, in a society where women struggle to be taken seriously in the tech industry and are often bullied, ignored and harassed because of their gender, we now have Codebabes. Which I will not link to, because I'm fairly certain that at least part of their strategy is to surf the tidal wave of sweet, sweet clicks that a good internet outrage brings in. Hell, they themselves are openly begging for us to please please troll them, in those words, on pretty much every page on the site. Not since Prometheus climbed Olympus has any human being been so desperate for flames.

Codebabes is a site with coding tutorials, but wait! There's more! The more tutorials you finish, the more pieces of clothing the women (pardon, babes) on your screen will remove. This is a clever gimmick, because how else are we going to replicate this experience? Opening two whole separate tabs, you say? You're a goddamn fool is what you are.

The Mary Sue has already helpfully pointed out what's wrong with this site, saving me the trouble of stating what should be bleeding obvious in this, the year of our Lord 2014. So let me add some observations of my own:

1) In all the text I've read on the site, the creators reference the models/instructors/teachers/whatever 11 times (and I've hardly read all the text on the site). The word "woman" is not used once. This is because calling a person "woman" humanizes them. Women are our mothers and sisters and wives and we ourselves. Babes are commodities to be dangled in front of Nice Guys as a reward for doing something so unimaginably torturous as finishing a coding tutorial.

2) On that note, let me just preempt the argument that this is just another way to teach something valuable and fun like coding, which I personally enjoy learning and practicing very much. Not once does this site refer to coding (the thing they are supposed to be making you enthusiastic about) as a worthwhile way to pass your time. They go the complete opposite route by repeatedly implying that coding is boring, difficult, unpleasant, a chore that has to be suffered through and can only be made worthwhile when combined with the objectification of women. So no, I wholeheartedly reject the notion that this is a teaching tool. On the whole, teachers who are serious about sparking a passion for their subject do not present that subject as a horrible migraine-inducing chore to be overcome.

3) Let's for a moment ignore the fact that people who find coding so boring it makes them want to bash their brains in probably aren't meant for a life surfing the money waves of the tech industry and instead focus on the completely true fact that nothing aids concentration like a raging erection.

4) I'm not being cute when I say that nearly every other sentence on this site is flame-bait. Like this:

Two whole points in their eight point "philosophy" are pure trolling. There's buckets more of that splattered over every page like so much wasted semen. So now you know why I'm not linking to the site.

5) This shit just bugs me on a completely different level:

Dudes, (because come on, seriously? You're dudes. Fuck off with this babes thing) I have played naughty FMV trivia games that were closer to being porn than you are. I actually worked my way through your goddamn HTML beginner tutorial. Pardon, the HTML Virgin tutorial. I already know the basics of HTML, so I can say with some degree of confidence that yours just wasn't good. And I did all that to see a woman's bra. The thing of which I have nine in my drawer.

You deluded fuckers, there's episodes of Dora the Explorer that have more porn than your goddamn site. In the last hour, millions of infants have seen more porn than I just did, because at least they've seen a goddamn nipple. In the Great Internet Porn-Off, your site ranks slightly below Encyclopedia Britannica. Calling this tripe porn is an insult to the industry.

6) I take my comedy seriously.

Having worked through that tutorial, there's one other thing I can say with unwavering certainty: the quality of the jokes is so bad it created a temporal comedy black hole that retro-actively killed John Belushi.

Of all the nasty ideas about women (babes) and people who enjoy coding (horny male nerds) enforced on this site, maybe the worst one is the stereotype that women aren't funny. And I kind of hate you for that, Codebabes. I really kind of do.

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